They Wont Go When I Go

The title “Every Blackning Church Appalls” is a line from William Blake’s poem “London.” It was one of the first significant works I painted in New York, working out of a basement studio in South Harlem. Many parts of Blake’s description of 1794 London could also describe New York City today. Though unpleasant in some respects, my community here has no ties to my upbringing. It has given me the freedom to focus my energy on healing without distraction.

A prominent theme of this painting is religion. I was baptized and grew up in the Westminster Presbyterian congregation. Our church- specifically our middle and high school youth group—experienced multiple leadership changes during those years. With no constant role model, my peers and I developed a reliance on each other. The tight-knit relationships we built in our small youth group gave us the stability to cultivate a strong faith base. Steven grew up in the church with us and was a prominent part of the group. Following his death, I experienced a destabilization of my faith. Once I moved from the bible belt, I considered the role religion played in my life and how to reestablish it. This painting documents that personal struggle, which is just one of the effects of grief on my identity. The halo is inspired by the scripture, which states that the heart of God is present in all man. I identified with this through the love our youth group exhibited through our congregation. The tilted, dimly lit halo symbolizes my faith in the wake of my grief: faltering and imperfect but valid.